Okay. General disclaimer: this post kind of makes me a douche. You know why? Because I'm starting it out with, "I generally try really hard to be an open minded person." And what REALLY makes me a douche bag is the fact that I'm following that up with the word, "but."
I mean, that's instant douche bag status right there. Like with any comment that starts out listing a redeeming feature, and follows it with "but." "I love her to pieces, but..." "No disrespect, but..." "I'm not racist, but...."
So, here goes. I generally try really hard to be an open minded person, BUT.
Okay, it all started with cleolinda
. I follow her, she's brilliant and hilarious. She linked an Ebay auction where you can buy, no lie, a A WEREWOLF TRANSFORMATION POTION
. (On sale, usually over $1000, now going for 500!) (She has a Vampire one, too!) Okay, I found this hilarious. I don't feel really bad about that. I mean, she listed "IMMORTALITY" "MASSIVE SEX APPEAL" and "HUGE APPETITE FOR MEAT" among the ~*Werewolf Abilities*~ (No time travel, though-- Night Play had it wrong, hobbit_eyes
! But I guess we already knew that.)
Now, then I did something I just really shouldn't have done. I went to the seller info page, and looked at all the reviewers, to see what buyers had said about her product. And even that wasn't so bad, really, I actually don't feel bad about that either. I was curious to see whether anyone had said "Wow, I LOVE my new werewolf powers, they're great! Exactly as advertised!" (No one had. But then again, no one left a review saying "THIS IS A CROCK, YOU HAG," either.)
Where I REALLY crossed a line was when I went to look and see the return reviews from sellers that this woman had bought from. She apparently had made many purchases from someone named Ms.Magical, so I clicked on the seller to see what she was selling. (By the way, her spelling has apparently morphed to adding a 'k' after the 'c' in magic, so she now advertises her products as "magick" and "magickal." I'm not ENTIRELY sure what the addition of the k does? It is just some sort of pretentious different spelling that doesn't really make any difference, like "faerie" vs. "fairy?" I DON'T KNOW.
At this point, to diminish my douche baggery at least a little, I would like to point out, I do not think less of anyone who spells magic with a k at the end, or throws a couple e's into the word "fairy." I recognize it is part of a culture that I'm not immersed in, and you know what, really, whatever floats your boat. Or, as Fridley says, whatever floats your Star Destroyer, though I doubt any of you have one. I am simply making an observation.
Okay. What really gets me about this woman is what she sells.
You know what I can buy on her Ebay store? Blessings. Okay, cool. But you can buy a blessing from pretty much any god, goddess, or angel out there, from any religion. IT DOESN'T MATTER. SHE'S IN WITH THEM ALL. IT'S COOL GUYS. You can be blessed by APHRODITE
. (Greek goddess! Buy it now, only $3.99!) You can be blessed by RHIANNON
. (Welsh goddess of the moon! Buy it now, $2.99! A steal!) You can be blessed by FORTUNA
. (Roman goddess of fortune! Buy it now, $3.99! Her blessing is worth more than Rhiannon, I smell a cat fight!) You can be blessed by freaking ARCH ANGEL MICHAEL
. That's right! This is LEGIT. For the INCREDIBLY reasonably price of $5.00
, YOU TOO can have the blessing and protection of "THE FIELD COMMANDER OF THE ARMY OF GOD." Ten blessings available! Well, thank GOODNESS.
I'm preeeeetty sure that dabbles pretty deeply into blasphemy. Then again, I'm pretty sure my ongoing debate with hobbit_eyes
regarding whether or not Jesus was ticklish is also borderline blasphemous, so I'm not going about casting stones here. I'm just going to say that maaaaaybe the sale of the protection and blessing of a Biblical figure for monetary gain (however reasonable the price), especially listed alongside offers of the same from gods and goddesses from three other religions, is kind of sketch in my eyes, and move on. Let's not dwell here. Am I offended? A skoche, but a skoche is all. I'm a far cry from a righteous fury, 'cause people are gonna do what they're gonna do and Who The Hell Am I To Judge.
Of course, I say that, but then I go on to Ze Judgement. I try to contain Ze Judgement, but, well, I kind of think this woman is a bit of a moonbat. Not because of her use of vowels or her placement of the letter k, or even because of her connections with gods and goddesses or because she believes she's "in" with the Archangel Michael, because let's face it: I believe in an invisible God myself, and other people think I'm a moonbat for that, too. I didn't label her as a moonbat for her sale of magick rings, or psychic readings, or Aural Cleansings, or Soul Origin Readings. (Though, another seller offers a Soul Retrieval service-- Thank goodness, you can get it back!)
No, what really got me was THIS listing
. That's right. You, too, can purchase your very own CUSTOM-MADE SUCCUBUS.
Well, thank GOODNESS FOR THAT. I mean, isn't that the dream? The lengthy description at the bottoms is presented in a comforting blue comic sans, and is accompanied by gentle faerie music, so you KNOW it's legit. This woman will, for $75, Custom Conjure you a Succubus to have, and to hold, and to fornicate wildly with on the Astral Plane. Just give her your name, location, desired gender of your succubus, desired personality traits of your succubus, and desire sexual traits of your succubus. (Don't be afraid of being too graphic! she notes.) "Please be forewarned that my clients have reported to me very intense, frequent, and pleasurable sexual encounters with the Succubus I have conjured for them," she says near the end, followed by, "why not take a bite out of Forbidden Fruit, and know what intense sexual pleasure is really is?"
Okay, there is so much to say about this I don't even.
Okay. For one thing, when you're selling a SUCCUBUS, there should be no need to WARN your prospective customers that they might have some hot sex. Furthermore, it is my understanding that "intense, frequent, and pleasurable sexual encounters" are things people generally don't need warning AGAINST. UH OH. I MIGHT HAVE AN INTENSE, FREQUENT, AND PLEASURABLE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER. I'M NOT SURE IF THIS SUCCUBUS IS FOR ME. Maybe another seller can conjure a succubus that only gives mediocre sexual encounters.
For another thing, WHO IS SHE MARKETING THIS TO. I mean, she talks about there being a bonding ritual, and how you never need to fear losing your succubus, which implies that this sale is for, you know, LIFE. (She even advertises a Succubus Recharging spell that will repower your Succubus for years more to come, you know, once you've worn it out the first time. She also asks you to provide the name of the Succubus she's recharging, because you probably have more than one.) I mean, sure, a Succubus might be all well and good for the single and sexually frustrated that simply can't find release in the battery-powered section of the porn store, but, what about after that stage in life? I don't know about YOU, but if MY significant other were keeping a succubus on the side and was having hot sex on the Astral Plane while I was alone in bed at night, I might be a little ticked off. Furthermore, this woman is selling a Succubus to provide you with mind-blowing sex that no mere mortal can ever hope to achieve. Your wife or husband will, quite frankly, never match up. Sounds like a quick method to take the spark out of a marriage. ...Maybe that's what the warning is about. Think about it. She kind of makes it sound like these "intense, frequent, and pleasurable sexual encounters" happen whether you want them too or not. Could you imagine how awkward it would be on your honeymoon to have a surprise visit from your Succubus? "Gee, sorry honey, but, well, I was kind of raped by the Succubus that I bought a few years back. It was before I met you! Honest!"
Sale of a Succubus: bad idea all around, in my mind. And Tanja made a good point: it sounds like a slave trade. This succubus is being conjured SOLELY to serve your sexual needs. He or she is created JUST FOR YOU, and has no will outside that. ...Dang. All these Succubi bound
to various people... I think they need to be liberated! SUCCUBI LIBERATION FRONT. THEIR FREEDOM STARTS WITH YOU and the letter F. That's our slogan. PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET, WHO IS WITH ME?
In completely unrelated new, have a general life update. I killed my phone with my boobs at the renaissance faire (again, vague hypocrisy there- LOOK AT THAT PRETENTIOUS LETTER E AT THE END OF "FAIR"), and while it's still lurching along, every now and again all of the buttons stop working and the "end" button never works and I have to charge it three times a day, so I have bit the bullet and bought a new phone, which is an financial commitment I had kind of not really wanted to make. But I found a one with good ratings and a Qwerty keyboard for a good price on Ebay (the Samsung Magnet, if you were interested), soooo bring it on. It will arrive in a few days, at which point I will discover whether or not I was horribly ripped off.
I went to a West Coast Swing lesson with Fridley and a few other people and have discovered I LOVE IT MADLY, but sadly seem to have messed up my knee a bit. It doesn't like it when I walk and cracks unpleasantly when I bend and straighten it sometimes. I'd complain about it more, but I've always known that this knee was a bit of a jerk, and to be fair it's been a few years since it did anything super douchey so I imagine I'm due, and I probably deserve it after a largely sedentary summer violently interrupted by a night of wild dancing from 7:30-midnight. Even so, I kiiiind of wish I hadn't left my knee brace at my apartment. Three more days until I return, and by then, I hopefully won't need it anymore. Fingers crossed.
Aaaaaaaaaaand yes. That's all I've got.